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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 1, 2012 6:30pm-7:00pm PDT

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>> stephen: tonight how much do we tell our kids about is sexuality? that's enough. (laughter) then a new convenience for gun owners, i hope you'll stop shooting long enough to hear about it. and my guest actress diane keaton is here. la dee da, la dee da. the new york yankees have their own cologne. it's made from the most expensive ingredients of all the competing colognes. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
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welcome to the report. good to see you here. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to you have with us, please, nation. folks, -- >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: okay, folks. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. you make me so happy. will you make me the luckiest host in the world, and be my audience for the rest of my life? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: so, when are you having kids. nation, you probably heard, there's a huge international crisis brewing.
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no, not in syria, we're still ignoring that. (laughter) this times there's big trouble in big china. >> the obama administration trying to diffuse a diplomatic crisis developing this morning with china. >> dissident chen guangcheng is at the centre of all the drama after making his escape from an 18 month house arrest. he's been at odds with the government since the '90s. is now believed he's in the protection of the u.s. embassy in beijing. >> stephen: we got chen guangcheng! or as i will be calling him, eric. (laughter) >> stephen: eric here say total bad ass. this dissident was guarded by 90 to 100 police, so he feigned illness, lulling his guards into complacency then slipped out of the house in darkness and scaled the wall injuring his foot jumping to the ground but still managed to cross a river, then ran day viewed with friends who drove him more than 300 miles to the capital beijing
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and he is blind. (applause) apparently, apparently losing your sight doesn't just make your ears better, it makes your balls bigger. (laughter) of course, this comes as something of a tense time in our relationship about china. and by tense, i mean we owe them money. (laughter) that's why we must handle this very delicately. and by delicately i mean, so much money. (laughter) but you know what, eric, international debt be damned. america's largest trading partner is just going have to deal. we are a shining beacon of freedom. we've got to show the world we live up to our principleses and we don't stand for if they don't stand for this, we stand for nothing. so we must find the courage to say to this brave man, hey, eric, you made it, that is awesome, man. i guess you heard us
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declaring our commitment to human rights. we must have declared that pretty loud, huh? here's the thing, ordinarily we would be so stoked about you crashing with us, but this isn't the best time. (laughter) 20 years ago middle of the cold war, obviously. you see, just that now we got a lot going on. you know, a bunch of us are unemployed so we're at home a lot. and i just think we would be on top of each other. plus we've got kids now. and they're the one was have to pay the chinese back. (laughter) besides, you so made your point, buddy. everybody's talking about you and your whole issue thing. and you're all like, i can leave china any time i want, point taken. one to grow on. hey, you know who else is into human rights? canada. (laughter) a fantastic country. vancouver is full of chinese people. (laughter)
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(cheers and applause) yeah. i mean you cannot swing a cat up there without someone trying to make a stew out of it. (laughter) but if you, you know, if you have to if you have to, listen, mi casa es su casa, speaking of which, you have thought about mexico? that country is also not china. of course if you absolutely want to come here, we will, of course, welcome with you open arms, end of story. thanks for watching. please turn off the tv, people in the american embassy. great. okay, china, here's the deal-- (laughter) okay, he's blind, right. just drive him to the beijing airport and put him on a plane. let it sit there for like 19 hours with a sandra bull okay movie on, shake it every once in a while, you know, turbulence and then let him out, give him a
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pretzels and urine and say welcome to new york. all right? he won't know. (applause) just keep giving us some money. now nation, i believe in traditional marriage. one man and one woman and her dowry of cattle. so i was shocked to see a recent poll showing 47% of american support gay marriage with only 43% opposed. which leaves 10% who swing both ways. (laughter) now just eight years ago only 31% supported gay marriage that is a huge increase. those gays are breeding like gay flies. (laughter) luckily there's a way to combat this explosion of tolerance. and it brings us tonight's word. (cheers and applause) don't ask, don't show-and-tell. folks, thanks to gay shows like "glee" and "two and a half men ", young people today have grown-up
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believing home sexuality is normal. -- thankfully one state is fighting to get our kids back on the straight and nothing else. >> for more we turn to ksdk st. louis's news leader. >> republican leaders in the missouri house are back legislation to limit the discussion of sexual orientation in schools. the so-called don't say gay bill would prohibit extracurricular activities or materials that discuss is sexual orientation. >> stephen: yes. will you not be allowed to discuss homosexual knit school systems in missouri. of course, if the don't say gay bill-passes t will instantly be known as the you know bill. now don't say gay-- (applause) don't say gay sponsor steve cookson explains why homosexuality should be a forbidden subject in school. >> i just think that those are better left outside of
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the curriculum. >> cookson says he thinks schools need to stick to core curriculum, math, reading and science. >> we need to keep the focus on those things for the student body and not on other things that can be distracting. >> stephen: yes, homosexuality can be very distracting. say you are in math class and the teacher asks what is 5 and 7. your answer, gay. everyone knows 5 and 7 are kind of odd numbers. (laughter) now i'm not saying-- (applause) i'm not saying that they're necessarily gay, they could be lesbians. and folks-- (laughter) finding out-- finding out that homosexuality exists is a slippery slope to tolerating it. take it from me, when i did sondheim with neil patrick harris he couldn't have been more friendly or professional and i will
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never forgive him for it. so-- (laughter) to remind myself that i do not trust him, i have to find homosexuals i don't like. i just hope they respond to my gregs list ad looking for bad gay man to teach me a less on. because folks-- think about it, think about it, folks, where does the tolerance end. as cosponsor of the bill, as cosponsor of the bill dwight scharnhorst points out, when it comes to our schools, quote there is no need to talk about billy wanting to mary a goat. thank you, sir, for cutting through the politically correct spin of the homosexual agenda. when we say the word gay we're really talking about billy entering a long-term committed relationship with a farm animal. and that's crazy, may i remind you, old mcdonald had a goat. but--
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(laughter) i believe don't say gay isn't enough. we need to expung anything remotely gay from our schools. in english class you need to stop teaching any words that even sort of seem gay, works like ambience and periwinkle. and let's not forget while we're at it, history class is full of gay code. hello, battle of the bulge? folks-- will this make missouri different from other states? sure. will other states tease them for this peculiar desire? yes. but to protect their children from thinking that gay is normal, missouri is going to have to do some freaky stuff. and that's the word. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. nation, anybody who watches this show knows i am a huge fan of carrying concealed weapons. but folk, i'm not alone.
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37 states currently have laws allowing concealed carried permits, compared to just 8 states there 1984. which is a shame. think of how many guns women in the 80s could have hidden in those shoulder pads. because sometimes you want looks that killment luckily gun owners no longer have to sacrifice fashion for firepower. according to the "new york times", companies are rushing to meet the demand for concealed carry clothing. finally, the handgun meets the tim gunn. make it work. or else. (laughter) now i've always been a fan of gun fashion but for me it meant stylish clothing for my gun. that's why every day my gun sweetness and i wear matching outfits. (laughter) >> was's that? what's that, baby? what's that? no, no, it does not make
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your butt look fat. (laughter) there's just mover you to squeeze. but now handgun hab dashers -- haberdashers are taking it to a new level. recently the clouthier woolrich has come out with clothesing with concealed pockets. the best part is no one will know about the gun in your pocket unless you're unhappy to see them. they're the most fashionable way to get access to your piece. >> our goal here was to make this pant look entirely 100% nontactical. the outside pocket is a normal functioning pocket however its hidden invisible zipper at the side seem which they cun zin, reach in and pull the weapon from concealment. >> stephen: just don't get the pockets confused or you could try to stop a criminal with half a granola bar and home depot receipt. and not to mention these pants have a comfort waste. which allows you to waste
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people in kferment and it's not just woolrich. even workoutwear maker under armor is introducing clothesing designed to hide guns and i'm thrilled. because it's really been uncomfortable jogging with a handgun duck taped to my-- i don't-- i don't-- (applause) i do not wish to discuss where i keep the banana clip. (laughter) all of the clothing is designed to project what some gun owners call maximum uncertainty. as a woolrich spokesman said when somebody walks down the street in a button down khakies, a bad guy gets a glimmer of fear wondering are they packing or not. at least, we can stop being scared of people wearing hoodies and start being scared of people wearing button downs and khakies. (laughter) from now on, anyone in america-- (applause) anyone, anyone could be
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carrying. that brownie could be carrying a brownie. that md could have an ak that sunday schoolteacher could be packing a saturday night special. so remember, folks, if you see anyone wearing cloths, be ready to draw down on them. because if you are wearing cloths, they're going to be ready to draw down on you. and finally, we'll all be safe, as long as nobody makes any sudden moves. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪
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>> welcome back, everybody, thank you very much. my guest tonight is an oscar winning actress whose memoir is called then again. i can't wait for the sequel, then again 2, then again again. please welcome diane keaton. (cheers and applause) thank you so much for coming on. lovely to meet you. >> it's lovely to meet you. >> i'm a big fan. >> can i ask you something. >> stephen: yes, ma'am. >> are you till running for president. >> stephen: always thinking about it you can never say fever. >> but you weren't at the correspondent's dinner i noticed. >> stephen: no, i haven't been to the correspondent dinner since they alerted security. >> they alerted security. >> stephen: about six years
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ago, yes. >> why? >> stephen: i performed. >> were you-- . >> stephen: i was clothed, i was clothed so they knew i wasn't packing. >> because i heard-- . >> stephen: you're not allowed to even maybe have a gun around the president. and these days that means buck maked is the only way to be sure. so i might run. i might run. >> yeah. well, yeah, i just want you to know i won't be voting for you, i just-- . >> stephen: well that's a long settup to break my heart. >> i don't care, i really don't care. >> stephen: do you know how much you hurt me. >> i don't care if i hurt you at all. and i don't want to see your buck naked ass. >> stephen: i never offered. you misinterpreted that hug backstage. >> that was a little tricky. >> stephen: it was, it was. >> it was a little too tight. >> stephen: . >> you pushed me into-- . >> stephen: my butt was too tight. >> you did, and i'm bringing you up on charges. >> stephen: you are. >> yes, i am. i really mean it. (laughter)
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>> stephen: the book is called-- (applause) >> be careful. >> stephen: the book is called then again, okay. now you're an actress, right. >> are we going to talk about me now. >> stephen: we k we don't have to. >> my book i mean. >> stephen: we can talk about your book. >> because that is where i in here. >> stephen: you are the one that started in on my butt. >> look, i don't really-- it's a paperback version and it is coming out tomorrow. >> stephen: really? >> mr. colbert. >> stephen: wow that is -- >> wow, wow to you too. >> stephen: it is really wonderful, it's really wonderful that it is in paperback, it will make it so much easier to pulp. it won't gum up the-- you in this book, you talk about your mama lot. >> oh, yeah, well, do i have to get serious. >> stephen: you don't have to gets serious at all. >> i did love my mother. >> stephen: you know what, that's brave of you. to admit that.
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it takes real courage. (laughter) to say that you loved your mother. (laughter) but let me ask you, did your mother love you? did your mother love you. did your mother want to you be an actress. >> you're hurting my feels. i'm going to cry. >> stephen: i will make news. colbert, sexually a cost keaton, tears, film at 11. did your mother want you to be an actress. >> now you know why i wouldn't vote for you. >> stephen: because? >> because you're a sexual pervert. (laughter) >> stephen: no, how do you know what you're managing i was doing was in any way per verdict. maybe it was like missionary position, lights on and a handshake at the end. maybe it was totally unperverted. (applause) maybe it was-- you know, maybe 2 was mormon in its
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sanctity. >> don't go there, don't go there. >> stephen: so is there any part of this book would you like to discuss? or did it get published by accident and you're trying to bury all the possible information and you're here to try to snap-- snatch back the advanced copy you sent to us. is there some reason you don't wish to speak about this book. >> no i do want to. >> stephen: the thing that bothers me about the book if you don't mind me say its. >> no, i don't mind. >> stephen: is you read your mother's diaries in preparation for writing thising would. that humanized your mother for you? >> because our parents are bigger than life. >> yeah. >> stephen: did that humanize them, i don't approve of that. why would you want your parents to become human? >> that's rough on me, that's a enough question. why would i want-- . >> stephen: because i want my parents to be god like because then as their son i'm a demi god. were there things you learned that you didn't want to learn about your moth never reading her diary.
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>> like what. >> stephen: it's your mother. i mean -- >> no, actually i did want to say one thing. >> stephen: oh please. >> this is the paperback version of then again and it's coming out in the stores tomorrow. >> stephen: we're definitely going hit that we put a big picture and everything. and i'm going to show for it superhard at the end of the interview. but before i encourage my viewers to buy the book you have to say one [bleep] thing about it. (laughter) (applause) >> stephen: so pick one. you want to read? >> i'll read. >> stephen: dow want to read like the library of congress number or something out of the front. diane, thank you for coming. >> if you think i'm a good side kick maybe. >> stephen: absolutely. >> thank you. >> stephen: are you looking for a gig, don't get up. don't leave. >> oh don't leave. >> stephen: you can't leave. you can't leave. until the cameras go off. >> oh. >> stephen: thanks. >> oh.
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>> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, lady as and jarx i want to thank-- i want to thank diane keaton for coming. >> i'm bringing up on charges. >> stephen: as well you should. we're going to makeout as soon as the cameras go off. >> thank you. >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, diane keaton. the book is then again t goes on sale tomorrow, it's paperback. thank you. stay here. bye.
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